I am CONCERNED. Even that lady behind you, with the Bee bobblers, SHE is concerned.
I need to send my Grandma over to you on a plane so she can fatten you up with some of her Grandma cooking and she can chase away that doctor who is obviously making house calls with Botox. She’d sort him out and he would not dare come back.
And Grandma would tell you to stop pulling a face like you just sucked a really sour lemon, because the wind might change… Or maybe it already has.
Or maybe we could get Helen Fielding to write many, many more Bridget books and then you can gain a bit of weight to play her, I love you when you’re Bridge.
I actually went for them a couple of weeks ago and was failed immediately for exceeding the speed limit, just call me Fangio. To be fair, I thought it was a 60 zone so I was doing 56, but it was actually 50. Oops.
Apart from that I did everything perfectly and scored over 90%.
Today I really thought I had stuffed it. Speed was not a problem as I puttered along like a nanna, terrified I would come over all leadfoot again but I did:
* Almost stall the car as I took off in 3rd gear instead of 1st.
* Turned to sharply in my reverse park and crunched into the gutter. Neeeerrrrr
* Stalled the car doing a three point turn as I was in the wrong gear. Again. WTF? I am FABULOUS at three point turns, not so fabulous today obviously.
Still. I passed.
Thank fuckity.
Today I drove home from work ALL BY MYSELF and this was the first song to come on the radio…
That was some good shit right there.
“In the day we sweat it out in the streets of a runaway American dream
At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines
Sprung from cages out on highway 9,
Chrome wheeled, fuel injected
and steppin’ out over the line
Baby this town rips the bones from your back
It’s a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
We gotta get out while we’re young
‘Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run
Wendy let me in I wanna be your friend
I want to guard your dreams and visions
Just wrap your legs ’round these velvet rims
and strap your hands across my engines
Together we could break this trap
We’ll run till we drop, baby we’ll never go back
Will you walk with me out on the wire
‘Cause baby I’m just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta find out how it feels
I want to know if love is wild
girl I want to know if love is real
Beyond the Palace hemi-powered drones scream down the boulevard
The girls comb their hair in rearview mirrors
And the boys try to look so hard
The amusement park rises bold and stark
Kids are huddled on the beach in a mist
I wanna die with you Wendy on the streets tonight
In an everlasting kiss
The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody’s out on the run tonight
but there’s no place left to hide
Together Wendy we’ll live with the sadness
I’ll love you with all the madness in my soul
Someday girl I don’t know when
we’re gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go
and we’ll walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us
baby we were born to run”
What’s not to love about this song and clip? We have the candid (my arse it’s candid) clips of JLo kicking back in her knickers, Ben looking grumpy, someone randomly yelling “THE BRONX” and of course, the flute.
There’s just not enough flautists in popular music nowadays.
Did I imagine it in a wine induced haze one day but was there not version of this clip with Ben dancing in it? Or did I fall asleep and miss it?
What am I good at?
If I was in a pageant what would my talent be?
I don’t think I’ve got any. Or many.
I never went to uni so I can’t call myself an expert at anything that anyone will pay me to do.
I can’t draw.
I can’t sing.
I can’t play any musical instruments.
I always forget the punchline for jokes.
I don’t play sport, and it bores me so I am not even good at WATCHING it.
I just don’t know what I am good at.
Well.
I am good at drinking.
And having fun.
And watching movies.
And going for a walk.
And talking to people.
And singing along to Queen and Elton John and Dolly Parton.
And I make a pretty good salad.
And I have a steady hand when it comes to applying eye-liner.
And I know lots of useless musical trivia.
And I wear a scarf well.
And I am pretty good with hanging out with kids.
So this is an email meme that has been in doing the rounds for a while. I am sure I have done it about 10 times, possibly even on this very blog, but my lovely friend Helen sent it to me so I thought I would share it with you all, because my Mum tells me it is nice to share.
Four places I have worked
1. Pizza Hut – yes, I was a proud Slut Hutter.
2. “Summer Fun Girl” for Radio 4AK. We wore white denim shorts and big white platform trainers. There may have even been snap-crotch bodysuits. The ’90’s have SO much to answer for.
3. Video Ezy. I fucking hate company names that have stupid, lazy spelling.
4. Editing porn at a company that shall remain nameless.
Four places I have lived
1. New Dehli, India.
2. Deptford, London.
3. Brisbane, Australia.
4. Copenhagen, Denmark.
Four TV shows I love to watch
1. Australian Idol – Just so I can bitch and whinge about it. And because the group performances are so incredibly NAFF.
2. America’s Next Top Model – Tyra’s so fierce y’all.
3. Law & Order:Criminal Intent – Because Goran is HOTT.
4. Border Security – I especially love it when they fine people for bringing in prohibited items or when people get caught with the drugs in their belllllllies.
Four places I have been on vacation
1. Philippines.
2. Japan.
3. Crete.
4. Weipa, Far North Queensland.
Four of my favorite foods
1. Avocado.
2. Mushrooms on toast.
3. Ham.
4. Pumpkin.
Four places I would rather be right now
1. On holiday.
2. On a beach on holiday.
3. At my Grandma’s, whilst on holidays.
4. On holiday in Europe.
Christmas Eve – 1996
In a taxi somewhere between RUMOURSINTERNATIONAL and Carrie’s Mum’s house.
Julia: “That was a SHIT night. I can’t believe how shit it was”
Cazza: “Yeah. No. It was pretty shit”
Julia: “I can’t believe I am wearing my lucky strawberry knickers and you are wearing your lucky rose knickers and we had such a shit night. I can’t believe we saw that prick. He is such a prick”
Cazza: “I’ve always told you that he was a prick. And he kind of has a big bum”
Julia: “Yeah. Big bummed prick”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Julia: “Cazza. Tonight was a total waste of face glitter. I don’t even feel drunk and I must have had about 8 blue vok and lemonades. What a shit night”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Cazza: “Break my stride! Break my stride was good Jula!”
You know what Cazza? Break my stride was always fucking good with you.
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