* Do not ask someone “do you like my new pants” in the UK.
Pants are undies.
Pants are knickers.
Pants go on the inside.
Of course, feel free to ask them this if you want to show them your Reg Grundies.
Pants is also something below par, as in, “That episode of LOST was really pants.”
* When shopping for the festive season do not confuse Yorskshire Pudding for… er… pudding. They are not the same thing and this can lead to nasty incidents with clotted cream.
* Remember that God invented clotted cream, so therefore cram as MUCH of it into your gob as possible. Anything with a fat content of 55% is some good shit.
And you will MISS it when you return to Australia.
* When someone asks you to purchase some “peppers”, do not get confused at the shop and come back with an assortment of gaudy pepper shakers (lord knows, I know how tempting tacky kitchen tat can be), peppers are what we (sensibly) call capsicum.
And don’t buy green peppers/capsicum’s no matter how cheap they are.
They are shit and no one likes them.
* At the stupidmarket supermarket remember that you have to pack your own bags.
Shocking, I know. Do not glare at the under-enthused check out chick, she does not care and will just keep chucking tins of beans at your head with gay abandon.
* Do not shop at Iceland. They “specialise in frozen food”. Enough said.
* Try not to eat avocado on toast in front of the locals. It offends their sensibilities. Avocado should only be served in whipped, over-processed form as “Guacamole” (term used very loosely indeed) in shit Tex-Mex restaurants.
* People will think you are a Kiwi. Deal with it.
* Chicken, as an ingredient is extremely cheap to buy, but the drumsticks are of a disturbingly large proportion.
* British television at first, may seem a little crap, but give it time.
OK, so the ad breaks are very long, but they are very rarely on compared to Australian tele.
OK, so you won’t get to see many American shows, but on your return to Australia you will be SHOCKED at how “Americanised” tv has become.
And at least on British weekend tele they do not have 48 hours or sport on EVERY channel.
* You will laugh at the names of towns in the UK. Usually at the ones involving “Bottom” “Curry” and “snot”.
* When people say:
“Hiiiiiya” – this means “Hello”, say “Hiiiiiya” back.
“Y’alright” – this does not mean “Are you alright?”, so do not answer “Yeah, I am fine thanks, how are you?”, this throws people and puts them out of whack.
It is just a general greeting, say “y’alright” back to save confusion.
“What are you like” – Do not answer this with “I don’t know, you are asking the question, what am I like?”. It is just a term said with endearment when you are caught doing something very antipodean such as eating avocado on toast.
* Packaged sandwiches are quite good.
* Crisps are chips, but as we call chips, chips and hot chips, chips, do not make the mistake of asking for a “steak and crisps” as you will get a steak and a packet of crisps.
* People will think you are South African, deal with it.
* You will suddenly be expected to passionately support Australia in the cricket, even when you fucking hate cricket. Be prepared for everyone to ask you about the cricket and your thoughts on the cricket and that’s everyone from the man at the corner shop to the Customs man stamping your passport when you sneak back in to the UK.
* Indians are called Asians in the UK. Indians call themselves Asians. This really confused me. But you still order Indian food, why don’t they call it Asian food?
* When people don’t confuse you with South African’s and Kiwi’s, they will give you endless shit about being an Aussie. Deal with it and learn to give it back.
* England stops for the World Cup, you may be the only person at your desk doing work during a particularly crucial match.
* When they lose that match they will talk a lot about something that happened in 1966.
* Try not to knick a pub table from a Millwall fan. Your face is too pretty.
* When you ring home you will be in stitches at everyones ocker accents.
* If you have been in the UK for more than a year and fly home, you will not understand a thing people are saying for about 5 hours due to jetlag and the broadness of the accent.
* Do not ask someone where “Maccas” is, I once got a text from my English boyfriend asking me “what is a Maccas?”. Ask for your nearest “McDonalds”.
* There are things that you will forever miss about the UK on your return home:
BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free) at Superdrug
H&M
Eurostar
Being so close to Europe that you can go there on the Eurostar…
The list goes on really….
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