Shitty to Surf

Tomorrow, for reasons I do not even know or can fathom, I will be doing the City 2 Surf.

Fuckadoodledoo.

Better get some sleep.

For people who want a drink but they are stuck at work – Easy Lover – Phillip Bailey & Phil Collins

I have quite a few guilty pleasures in life, most of which you know and are not so secret.

But I bet you didn’t know I have a crush on Phil Collins.

I blame my brothers, bitches tortured me with Phil all through my formative years and they have both moved on musically…. and left me with a mammoth crush on a little bald man.

Let’s not talk about the Brian May crush. Today it’s all about Lucky Phil.

This is one of my all time favourite Phil songs because it’s Phil… AND Phillip! And Phillip Bailey’s falsettos are an amazement.

It takes ages to load but I think it’s worth it. Funnily enough I googled this song to find out what year it was recorded and came across the Wikipedia entry for Phil…. have a good read before someone edits out all the penis references.

Hee hee. Wine-addled tiny brain easily amused.

As much as I love Phil and want to pash him, Phillip’s vocals are truly the star of this song, and it was actually recorded for his album.

I reckon I would pash him too.

In time honoured rock and roll fashion this is a filmclip about making a filmclip and remember, there is no filmclip that cannot be improved by adding a helicopter.

One of the highlights would have to be the hairdresser, desperately trying to do something with Phil’s hair. Or should I say his scalp.

It’s also fabulously filled with those kooky bonding rock and roll moments like playing with hairbrushes, flinging their mic stands around, laughing at their jumpers, gazing at each other over the catering table, trying some kooky synchronised dances, laughing like the crazy fools in love that they are and Phil pretending he needs a wee wee,

Proof that white men have no rhythm, check out Phil doing his best Beyonce butt shake, when Beyonce was still in nappies.

Phil Collins, he’s a card.

Last One – The Glimmer Twins

Nice One Dad! The Glimmer Twins – Stones play Sydney 121 days ago

As an (extra early I might ad!) 30th Birthday present, Dad took me to see the Stones last night. It was well worth Dad’s money. I would like him to invest in such things more often.

I think Keith Richards is embalmed, he even accidentally poked himself in the face at one stage and then looked a bit taken aback. Like some stranger did it. I love him, the man wears EYELINER.

As for Mick… well, I am not sure what he is on, but it is working. He was like a demon… dancing, gurning, strutting, jumping, shimmying (how many blokes do you know of any age that can shimmy?) while the whole time still holding the notes and sounding like.. Mick. (Did i mention the running? The man apparently runs 8-10 miles per show. It is out of control)

Charlie looked bored, which was tops, I would be kinda disappointed if he looked anything but.

And I have a newfound admiration for Ronnie Wood, in fact, I kind of have a weird crush on him. He was wearing a sparkly belt.Two of them. He is so rock and roll.
Shame he is old and everything. And married.

Highlights were:
Miss You
Dead Flowers
Honky Tonk Woman
and

This Place Is Empty

Walk right in, sit on down
And make yourself at home
Come on baby, you’re just like me
And you hate to be alone

It’s funny how things go around
It’s crazy but it’s true
This place is empty, oh so empty
It’s empty without you

Come on, bare your breasts
And make me feel at home
You and me we’re just like all the rest
And we don’t want to be alone

It’s funny how things go around
But go around they do
This place is empty, empty
So empty without you

It’s empty without you

Come on, simmer down
And treat me sweet and cool
At least by now you have learned
How to love a fool

It’s funny how things turn around
It’s crazy but it’s true
This place is empty, so empty
So empty without you

Mon Petit Pois

His name was Karlos, he was a showman…. 185 days ago

Memories of Karl

For those of you that don’t know him, my friend Karl is a cool guy. Karl is so cool icicles are jealous. I have known Karl for a very long time, 15 years possibly. Karl lives in London, with his lovely lady Kim, who I also love, but I don’t know quite well enough yet to write an entire blog about!

Because Karl lives so far away and I rarely get to see him and it’s a quiet day at work, I think it’s the perfect opportunity to reminisce about Karl

1. Karl’s Clothes

Never has one mans clothes inspired so much passion in so many women. Well, 3 women, but nonetheless, on with the story.

Karl has great clothes. The sort of blokes clothes that chicks just love to borrow. I think that girls who were involved with Karl imagined themselves in post coital bliss wrapped up in his business shirt looking all cute and delicate. Being a freelance camera man, Karl didn’t really wear business shirts. However, Karl is one of those rare guys who in his 30’s who can pull off wearing cool clothes.

House favourites were:

Knitted GAP sweaters – I had a penchant for the charcoal as I thought it made my eyes stand out and you could almost not wear a jacket in cold weather

Snow parka jacket things – My favourite was a beige and cream one. I once accidentally left a spare (as in still wrapped) tampon is the inner pocket. This was handily discovered by Karl when he was working on a shoot and the Producer asked him for a pen. Oops. However, I would like to absolve myself of all knowledge of the hundreds and thousands in another pocket.

One of those hats with the (fake) fur ear flaps and forehead thing. It made me feel like I might look like this
http://www.furisdead.com/pdfs/ad-cindy.pdf
but she is a stinky sell out anyway.

Socks – Karl has lots of warm socks

Caps – Karl had lots of cool caps

Long Denim shorts

He even gave me his black NY Yankees cap and the aforementioned snow parka thingy. I love him for more than his clothes though.

2. Karl’s social skills

Karl is the sort of man you can plonk in any situation and he will make the best of it and everyone will love him

The poofs think he is one of theirs, the girls want him to be theirs and he may also be black or white or Asian. They all love him too and want him in their gang.

3. Karl’s computer

Karl owned the Scawen Road family computer. And the Scawen road cds, which he used to let me alphabetise. Nothing kept me happier. Sometimes I would organise them by spinal colour.

4. Karl – The Entertainer

The times that Karl and I have shared are too numerous to list here! Needless to say they have all been fun. Some of the best:

- Letting me sit on his shoulders at the Big Beach Boutique so I could see the crowd (poor fucker, he probably has impacted discs ever since)
- Our mock fights in the back yard at Taylor st (“I CAN’T LEAVE ANGRY GODDAMNIT” (slam of car door))
- Drinking endless coffee and smoking (lots and lots) with Karl
- Talking shit.

5. – Karl’s walk

I can pick the man sauntering from hundreds of metres away, and I think I am possibly legally blind.

I am going to stop here as I have actually struggled to write this blog. How do you summate how much you love someone’s friendship without sounding trite? It has made me realise how much I miss mon petit pois, mon petit canard, my little Tossie.

What a beautiful wonderful individual, I hope you all have a Karl in your lives

More Laziness – memories of Lahhhndan

You must remember this… memories of London. 204 days ago

1. Martine and I taking Dad, his mate Ernie (both aged around 55 at the time) to a underground club in Covent Garden.

The girls (Us + DFAT chicks ) were all aged around 25. Dad was well impressed as due to our salubrious jobs as bar bitches at the Slapabout, sorry, Walkabout, we managed to get everyone in for free.

Things I remember:

- Bar us, EVERYONE was on drugs
- Some guys asking us who the “old dudes” were
- Dad commenting the next morning that everyone (bar us of course) was acting very strangely.
- Martine and I trying to convince Dad to get the night bus home, Dad refused and actually paid for a BLACK cab home… swish.

2. Mellitus Street – East Acton – W12

The oddest house ever, but oh, we loved it!

The whole house was pastel.
Janine’s room, BABY ROSE PINK. Martine’s room, REALLY BLUE. My room, LAVENDER. The kitchen, LEMON. The rest was like an indistinguishable DOVE GREY.

It was like living in a big, candy Easter Egg.

My room was tiny, I could stand in the middle and put a hand on each wall.

We did, however, have quite a big garden with a shed and a derelict vege patch. Mum sent me some QLD Blue Pumpkin seeds and I planted them.

Someone, who now lives in that teeny lavender bedroom is looking through the shitty louvered windows at the vege patch going “What the fuck?”

3. BUSH, BUSH, BUSH

Officially known as the Walkabout, Shepherds Bush, known to us as the Slapabout SHEBU. There was a DJ who used to yell out “BUSH BUSH BUSH” every 10 minutes and let’s not forget my FAVOURITE band in the world, The Bondi Beach Bums who played EVERY SUNDAY.

They used to kick off every set with Dragon’s “April Sun In Cuba (Wo-oh-oh)” and then progress onto “Khe Sahn”. They also were in charge of running the ever popular “Lesbian Pash Off” (for a six pack of VB.. I fucking ask you).
The lead singer used to occasionally yell out “Hands up if you have a sweaty minge” and after a year of working there I was still shocked at how many girls did.

I think Marty and I worked there 4 nights a week (I know we definitely worked Sundays “Take me to the April Sun In Cuba (Wo-oh-oh)…”)

Memories of those days :

- A 7 stitch scar on my right index finger
- Fucking Dragon
- The night the DJ played a song for every country who frequented the Slapa. Australia – Land Down Under. NZ – Slice of Heaven. South Africa – …….. TOTO BY AFRICA.
It went off actually.
- Watching a lovely young lady pash one guy at the bar while another guy used his finger to… yeah.. you get it
- The night the male staff did The Full Monty. Disturbing
- Having a South African guy tell me I was “the strictest bar mistress I have ever met” Coming from a Saffa I thought that was a compliment. I think he would like a spanking.
- Being called a slut by a man as old as my Father because I wouldn’t let his pissed mate dance on the bar. I made the Internationally accepted sign for small penis and told him he had a little ding a ling. Then I ran out the back.
- The Eastern Bloc girls who would order “Barcadee Breeeezer” or a pint with Half Guinness and half red wine, or a pint of Guinness with blackcurrant cordial.
- Drinking so many “PowerHorse” (our cheap arse version of Red Bull) that I had a better time than the pissed people.

Reasons to hate Tuesday + Xmas Parties

Reasons why I hate Tuesdays (thanks Katie Pops for the idea) 248 days ago

1. Because other people have obviously imbibed certain illegal substances on the weekend and had a great time. Unfortunately they are no longer having a great time. They are on a great big comedown and annoying me. Have a banana and a Yakult and shut the fuck up.
2. I have work to do and I don’t want to do it, but I have to do it because it needs to be done, but I don’t want to do it. I am indeed in such a whiny ass mood that anyone would think I was out until 8am on Sunday morning dragging a feather boa around 24 hour “nitespots”, but no, I gardened instead.
3. You can’t even hate Tuesday legitimately like you can hate Mondays. Everyone thinks you should be in the swing of things by Tuesday
4. I bought U2 tickets yesterday, therefore almost classifying it as a good day, which means that today, Tuesday, is more like Monday.
5. Let’s face it, today is not fucking Friday is it?

Xmas Parties and stuff I have learnt 238 days ago

So we had our work Xmas do yesterday, which was nice. It was a 60’s Beach Party theme with Piñata’s, Mechanical Surfboard, hula hoops and the Limbo.
Anyway, all in all it was a good day, I just wish I wasn’t hungover from the night before

On to what I have learnt so far this festive season:

1. Don’t do internet banking while hungover and possibly still pissed. When you try to transfer money out of the account you should have transferred into (and it has no $$ in it) and then you have to ring the bank staff and they laugh at you and your hangover

2. Don’t try internet dating when you are pissed. ‘Nuff said

3. A kebab coming up the wrong way is wrong town

4. That guy that you never knew you worked with is not THAT hot and you should possibly not stalk him with your camera phone

5. Digital cameras. One word. Banned.

6. When you Mum rings you at 9.30pm when you have been drinking since 12pm, possibly not the best idea to answer the phone.

Because I am lazy

and a bit hungover and only have the energy to lie in bed and drink green cordial (and it took me about 8 minutes to write this much) I am going to cheat and post a few blogs from my old Bebo blog.

And can you all stop looking so healthy, you make me feel sick.